Of Spilled Beans and The Path To Growth

       Picture by Pinterest

I have grown to realize that every man has a right not only to live but also to learn and educate himself. We all deserve chances to gain knowledge and make wise decisions. With the best of my ability, I shall guard and protect this right of mine. It also encompasses an understanding that everyone has a unique personality and that one cannot shape nor carve an established mindset of another person, if the latter does not appreciate the goodness of change. Whenever someone asks why I never get my child's father to be accountable, all I find myself saying is that I do not want to force him into lying; lying to himself, to me and especially to my son. I do not want to cling onto his neck and be the nagging baby mama that never quits the hopeless fight. He left a very clear message before he ghosted away and also, I know just how much pretentious humans can be.

It takes several steps to come into terms with rejection, one time somebody told me that it might take up to seven years and I laughed it off. Ask me about it now and I will tell you how deep it goes. There are certain things that with time, one must learn to stop fighting with and just let go. I had my greatest rejection four years ago and up until now, I am still in the healing process. I have grown since then and I am confident enough to say that I am glad to be where I am today, at least there are no more tears and swear words involved at this juncture. Also, I can comfortably narrate the incidents that led to my rejection and with relief, get into deep retrospect without much guilt or blame and that there, is positive progress.

When he suddenly leaves and moments down the line you find yourself thinking and reasoning out like a grown up woman, you realise how bigly you have messed up. You figure out that he is only 25 at the time and not ready to take up fatherly duties. He has a carefree lifestyle with toxicity written all over it and when you think about him fathering your son, you shudder. With the quater life crisis turning his head into a wrecking ball and wrecking his whole life apart, he is uncertain about his every move and his very own future. His motives are baseless and he still holds the unwitty notion that women are sex pets and that his fly has the right to open up whenever he feels the urge and with whoever he wants. He has no sustainable income and his black market business is not giving him the proper returns. He totally has nothing to his name and keeps defending his financial capabilities with his daddy's lucrative business. "my dad is a wealthy man" he says so he can convince you that he will also definitely grow rich by default. You realise deeply that he is a lost cause when he starts mentioning to you how he has managed to link several of his female friends with doctors who helped secure their youth by deleting from them the title of motherhood before it was too late. He even refers you to one of those doctors and leaves you with, "find yourself sh. 4,000 and tell him Jones sent you, he'll give you the best treatment, bye."

OK, I know men can be animalised as dogs and women can sometimes be snakes but this one man could not be anything far from a bewitched turtle. Tell me how best to describe a man who thinks you are in to exploit and rob him of his invisible finances when you refuse to undergo an abortion, a man who when you break the news about your delivery, mentions to you that he has no business seeing his son because he is certain that the son he is talking about will definitely search for him 18 years later. A man who boasts of how "rich" he is but complains about the market price of baby diapers.

I will not deny the fact that he fathered my son but I cannot respect him at that, if he cannot show nor practise fatherhood accordingly, then he is as good as being a stranger to him. I respect him as a human but not as a father to my son. Are we at home? Just so you know, I am not in any way crying for help or calling out for positive vibes, I have enough to push me for a lifetime already. Neither am I trolling my ex, I am just telling my story and searching for healing. I have nothing against anyone. As a matter of fact, I could order coffee at his favorite restaurant and invite him over for a peaceful convo, that is, if only he could be rational enough. You might not understand how it works and I will not force it down your throat but if you are a young woman in your teenage years or early twenties, please do not get yourself pregnant for a dead beat with no proper ambitions. As much as you never want to hear it, unless it was through force and against your will, you are the one who makes yourself pregnant and if you still cannot gauge that, he will help you realise it when you decide to walk with him down that path. He has nothing to lose when he decides not to be responsible. You are the one who will show up at your parents' house with a potbelly, you are the one who will feel the shame that comes with an "unwanted pregnancy" and still, you are also the one who will be forced to let go of your youth and fit into motherhood. So instead of being stupid and giving yourself to a degenerate, seek for scholarships instead and work on ways to win them, engage in community services, create a personal library, love to be in your parents' house and be in no hurry to leave when you still do not have proper plans yet. If you can even, be territorial and find all good from that tiny or vast home, be a responsible daughter and stop wasting time with someone who adds no absolute value to your life. Be your father's daughter and let no man take that away from you. You deserve to grow yourself and build your mind, so be good to you and find your peace and in case you have already strayed, pick yourself up, forgive yourself and move on, it will not be easy but I promise you, you sure do have the strength to overcome all obstacles thrown at you so, level up. 😊