Loss, Grief and Healing

It might have felt like a poisonous sting of the heart, shrinking and twisting every vein and chamber. Your body might have felt like a cold glass, breaking into pieces with every thought and every tear drop. You might have felt your own feet betraying you and threatening to let go of your body. It must have been like a cold, dark night, inspiring dark thoughts and freezing your insides or maybe like a hot day, boiling your blood to extreme levels and burning your insides. You could have fought back, if not for the fact that death had declared you a weakling, it was useless bringing yourself to a duel with such a mysterious figure. You cried and it rejoiced, one more soul, it had seized. It had not even waited for you to say goodbye. It had not considered that you had no other.

You wanted your loved one back, you demanded it even, said atrocious things about death. You cursed it and sent it to hell but it just stared at you in the eye, coldly and with a declaration of victory. It was arrogant, defiant and with an abyss for a heart and a metallic face. It could not apologise, no one ever apologises for diligently undertaking their obligations. She had just been one of the targets on the list and the time for taking her away had come. She was your only sibling, it could have considered that, at least. She surely deserved to be awarded one more chance, she had fought for a long time and proved to be sufficiently strong, that is what you had thought but funny enough, when death calls, even the mighty bow.

You have shed bitter tears since then. People urged you to be calm, that it had happened for a reason and that God had set better plans for you. What you did not understand is how there could be better plans in place without her present with you. You two shared the same womb. You knew no other life except with her. You landed in this world together, at the same time. She was your twin, you never thought that some day an endless void would be built between you two. You never saw it coming. It caught you off guard and unprepared. Sometimes your mind plays scenes that bring you back hope and in your sleep you find an assurance that she is still here with you. You sit at the same table, telling jokes and advicing each other. She is always in white and sometimes the reflection on her face lightens your world only that when you wake up, it all defines itself as just another dream.

Sometimes you even try reaching out to her. She had always been your best friend. You had shared everything including physical looks. She was the only sibling, the only trustworthy confidant and death just had to burst your bubble when you two were ready to explore the journey into adulthood. She left you behind, and with it came the lashing, the cursing and the resentment. You became bitter and mad at death, mad at God and mad at all living humans that still had the chance to live. Everyday you asked why it had to be her. She had a young soul with lots of feats to achieve. Why did the cancer take her away so soon? You pondered each day, letting your tears freely flow. You listened to her favorite music and watched her favorite movies every now and again. They reminded you of her. In them you found comfort and solace and in some way they showed you that she was at a better place. She had suffered long enough and deserved comfort. With time, you began to realise that her demise was not directed to making you suffer but instead, it was for her to rest peacefully. You have grieved long enough but you came out stronger than you were before. Five years without her has been too long but you survived and regardless of all the suffering, you will still go on. The heart is powerful enough to endure all tribulations. May God continue granting Mammie a peaceful rest, in our hearts, she still lives.