Ousting The Monsters Within

After a series of long peaceful days of solitude, self-introspection, and a successful getaway from the inevitable tragedies of life, I have come to the frustrating realization that I am not as nice as I had previously perceived myself to be. It is more like my intuition is sending me a wave of guilt and discomfort when what I was seeking to find were sanity and unconditional self-love. 

I am now in a state that immensely translates to my retribution and constantly reminds me that I am not a nice person. It stings every time I admit to it but it now seems like an inevitable reality that I have to bear and live with, such are the dangers of meditation.  

Meditation is inarguably a therapeutic practice that connects your outer body with your spiritual inner self. It is a colorful pathway to sunlight when in a storm, a whistle of calm, and a fortress of endless composure. It is a force that weaves a disturbed soul back to stability and a power that enables flawless communication with the spirit. However, there is nothing so good that requires no sacrifice. 

There is always an opposite side to everything, the law of duality dictates. Whether your description of meditation matches mine or whether to you it is just a feeling of levitation or a process that evokes a psychedelic feeling, it is agreeable to deduce that mediation has more tied to it and sometimes can cause a little breakdown. That strange headache or that notable anxiety attack after a meditative session is not an abnormality after all.

Even though it has revealed to me an unexpected shortcoming, mediation is an ocean I would still choose to swim in anytime I need profound reflections. I have been comfortable with my own pace of growth and change and I had made peace with the fact that I was existing to be the listening, caring person who was always striving to tell people what they liked to hear in an attempt to uplift their sense of pride. Perhaps not being a nice person was just a lie I was concealing from myself for a long time, something I knew did not entirely exist but I was not ready to deal with. 

Fattening a friend's ego and caressing their narcissistic behaviors are not what define niceness. If I feel obligated to justify a selfish act of a cheating friend because they claim their spouse is not properly skilled in the bedroom, then that is not being nice but is a sorry case of bootlicking. If I show pity and shed tears at the sight of someone in pain, it is not being nice but just an emotional outburst. 

Being nice is extensive and most of the time, unattainable, at least now I am aware. It does not begin nor end at christening oneself or at self-proclamation. Acts of kindness to strangers are things that should be normal human behavior but people have become so vile lately that a simple drop of a coin in a beggar's cup compels one to consider themselves a nice person. I have fallen victim to such self-appraisals.

I have the right to judge myself and this is one of those times that I embrace those rights. I am certain that if you could also be in the compelling position of admitting your wrongdoing, then you could attest to the fact that there are lies you have been telling yourself too. We lie to ourselves and others for various reasons. If a perfect lie can elevate you from your misery and provide a temporary relief then where is the need to think twice? We normally have multiple reasons to justify our lies and most of the time, we feel those reasons are acceptable.

We are often in constant search for happiness and to create the better versions of ourselves but more often than not, the motivation behind the better version mostly just relies on competing with other people. The inspiration sometimes is misguided with a strong ground of thoughts on how we can overtake or overpower the other person, a competition that leads to the creation of a sick world. A world where people who were not fortunate enough to discover what you already know become nothing but morons in your eyes. A world in which everyone is striving for perfection and looking for ways to rub their egotistical attitudes all over other people's faces in the name of self-love and acceptance. A world where exploitation is common and even children are not spared the agony of dealing with racism and inequality. Sounds sick to me, we need healing.

Perhaps everyone just wants to feel extraordinary and look interesting in the face of others or maybe there are things we are all trying to hide away from. Maybe a trauma that we struggle so hard to suppress or maybe the battles for the things we believe we deserve. Maybe there are mysteries that we have tried to solve for a long time and we are just looking for that spark or a first real conversation that will help us figure it out. Whatever your reason might be, none justifies inflicting harm to another person or tolerating another person's ill-treatment of you.

You might think that unfolding your lies might make you less desirable but if you have ever met your fears head-on then you can understand what I mean. So if you have been bundled up with the things that are causing you the affliction, maybe it is time you faced the mirror and told it the hidden truths. 

It is time you liberate yourself from the lies, the trauma, and the hiding, those blankets are way too stale, you need to change them. We definitely can not reach perfection but one step in an eye-opening direction will bring forth a balanced atmosphere of serenity. Until then, rid yourself of all the anger, jealousy, violence, and fear and commit yourself to doing no harm and taking no rubbish.