LIVING REGRETS

There are songs I’ve been singing since I was nine and ever since, I’ve never gotten to correctly master the lyrics.
There are foods I’ve been eating from the time I spoke my first words but I’ve never gotten to have a know of the recipe.
I have wasted my energy on things that do not matter. I have forgotten a lot, and some that I did ages back, I have not even a slight glimpse of the memories. So many things I’ve touched but later made them fade away with just a single blow.
I have hunted for treasures for as long as I can remember. I have hunted and let go. Hunted then later let them ghost away. I have hunted, destroyed then forgotten.
I have built, scattered and set apart the pieces of my own being. Day after day, I go through the pages of my life and I realize none of them is more regrettable than the one that holds the loss of a beautiful relationship between my father and I. I could cry over the several things I’ve lost overtime but the pain of losing a father surpasses all loses and it hurts even more that there was no recurrence of our happy moments. Just when it had begun, death swept it all away.

I am mourning over the sudden loss of a life I hold so dear to my heart and I feel the piercing pain of being a fatherless daughter. Sometimes I find it easy to grieve but then when the grief cocktails in with the regrets, I feel the pound and the overwhelming struggle begins. I’m trying to put myself on a reality check but I just can’t tune to the fact that Nice Pap’s call will never show on my phone screen anymore. I’m shaking to and still puzzled over the fact that I no longer can proudly say, “hi dad…” or “sorry, I know my dad can take good care of that” or even, “dad will get heated up by that.” The fear of dealing with regrets creeps into my soul and engulfs my whole being and at this point I feel that I should just let the tears to freely flow. The level of my weakness elevates and I feel ashamed of myself. What a shame is it to regret over something you know you could have sorted out while life still gave you the chance? What a shame is it to let your weakness overpower your strength in a time of sorrow? What a shame is it to blame death for not making your wish come true? What a shame on me!

The clip that ties regrets to a soul is always said to be the worst interference of one’s natural life and the destroyer of a meaningful living but on the other side, regrets could be the pathway to a better feeling. One thought that I feel attached to says something like this, “Make the most of your regrets; never smoother your sorrows, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest.” And so with this, I am going to lay my grief on. I will let the tears flow but I won’t dampen my garments with it. I will communicate with Nice Pap’ and feel his presence but I will let him rest. I will pray. Pray for his soul, and mine too. I will pray for a peace of mind and pray for a peaceful rest of his soul. Then I will let go of the regrets. I know his love for me was great, but I hardened my heart and failed to realize that his acceptance was already with me. He even spoke the words but my heart refused to listen. If only I could loosen the knots and untie the guilt from my heart and mind, then my soul could have been lighter and my sorrows much easier to handle.

I will miss the times and fully cherish the memories of you and I. I will transform our occasions of crossroads to guidelines and allow them teach me through my lifetime. I will use the joys and the good times to enlighten my heart each time I’m feeling low. I’ll remember you each time I think of strength and confidence because that is one pillar that you always insisted I should build my success on. I am convinced that you are happy wherever you are and I hope to make you proud of me once again. It is a challenging path I am going to tread on, with a cruel world on my neck and beckoning temptations on the sidewalk but I hope you lead my steps to the perfect place. I’m always going to be your daughter and I’m forever indebted to you. It will never be the way it was and up to this point, it has been pretty hard but I know you’re somewhere, everyday, watching and guiding me, just like a loving father does to his daughter.