WHAT STORIES DO SONS BORN WITHOUT FATHERS TELL?

I have heard of theories. Scary ones that have shaken my heart and wavered my confidence as a single mother but somehow, I have managed to make peace with them. I have heard men contemptuously talk about other men who have been raised by single mums and the kind of demeaning attributes they use to describe them. Some have said they are weaklings, pansies that are ready to tear up from very slight confrontations. Others have claimed them to be rigorous social misfits and most have described them as inadequate and incapable of exuding the dignity that comes with masculinity. I strongly disagree with these notions by raising claims that not a hundred percent of such men end up being insufficient, not because I am raising my son as a single parent without his biological father in the picture and so would like to give myself hope, but because I have met a good number of fully-grown matured men who have defied those stereotypes and also, judging from what I know and see everyday, my son is growing up to be a very adequate and capable young man.

Men raised by single mothers have been misjudged for the mere fact of them being disadvantaged and growing up without a father. As much as I do not enjoy admitting it, every man growing up requires the presence of a dedicated father in their lives but unfortunately, some people are not lucky enough to enjoy this right. It might be brought about by a number of circumstances, maybe it is death, rejection, unpreparedness or just a sheer excuse for evading responsibility. It is rarely by choice that one decides to grow up without a father figure in their lives but most times, single mums often try their best to raise their sons according to what the society deems manly.

I am aware of the fact that my son is growing up fast and processing a lot in his young mind. He has begun understanding that the possibilities of my late father being his father, as he has been made to believe, is not in order and so he has begun asking for more convincing answers at just the age of four. I am arriving at the idea that very soon he will be demanding to meet his biological dad and I am already scared of what will erupt when we reach that bridge.

I have been present and seen him through all of his milestones; his first foot steps, his first day of school, his first time wearing down an ice cream, his first words and all his "first times". I wish my efforts could add up to being enough but sadly, they still say he needs a father figure; to build a story with and to teach him the pertinent ways of handling masculinity. I have made peace with the fact that most of his early childhood lessons are either going to be self-taught or taught by me. That part is building up pretty well and I hope it gets even better with time. He fixed his shoelaces for the first time today and the result is very encouraging.

As a daughter, I have lots of stories that I shared with my father when he was still alive and those stories have since created an integral part of my being but it saddens me that my son might never be able to find such stories to tell. He might never have good, uplifting stories to tell about his biological father but he sure does have lots to tell about his father figures. Stories about his late grandfather (dad) and how he played his very first soccer game with him, stories of how he bought him his very first jacket and the one major story about how he helped save his life when he was just one and a half years old. He will have stories about his uncles; of how they helped raise him and boosted his courage and confidence, stories of how they became his first buddies and playmates, stories of the toys he "inherited" from them and the movies they watched together. He will tell stories about the prayers his godfather taught him and the guidance he offered. He will also have stories of his teachers, his friends and men he meets along the way. And hopefully, he will have interesting and nice stories to tell about his future stepdad too.

I am confident enough that he will have great stories to make with and tell about me too. I play the roles of a friend, a mother, a teacher and that of a father to him, that's a whole lot of plots to build uuponif you ask me. Most importantly, above all beings, he will have glorious stories to tell about God and the winnings he has achieved in His name. He will walk with him all through his life journey. He will lead him to safety prolific grounds and set him free from tribulations. These are the stories he will tell and these are the stories that shall shape his manliness.

Image from Unsplash by Sai De Silva