MAKE BELIEVE

My nap times are not what they used to be anymore. I could mask my eyes, insert in the thickest and puffiest ear plugs and adjust my neck pillow to the peak of comfort but I’d still be tossing and turning to the noisy chatters of inconsiderate neighbors and moving from one couch to the other in search for less wood and more cushion; a basic translation for comfort and relaxation. I am accustomed to taking my siestas on the couch, seated, with my back slanting and supported by a pillow, a perfect example of ‘how not to sit on a couch’, probably because my intuition subconsciously believes that lying down and beds are strictly for night times and the doctor’s prescription for a bed rest.

You might be wondering why on earth a jobless graduate would be shutting down her system on a sunny Wednesday afternoon when she should be grinding, editing her resume, sending application letters, knocking on doors, rehearsing for an audition, trying to put her life together or even trying to be handy and creative. I could say I have a flexible schedule with a lot of time on my hands but that might translate to laziness so I would rather just put the old adage – all work with no play makes Jack a dull boy – to work because I do work, only that I am not paid for it but I sure do a lot of work, ask me about my typical day and you will see.

I have envisioned a number of happenings in my life but never even for one time have I put myself in a position of unemployment and joblessness, or perhaps we could also give it a more degrading term like idleness, according to how my brutal aunt terms it. I am bothered by that woman, everything she says is so disturbing that I almost fear saving her phone number to my contact list. She is always the ‘bad cop’ when it comes to discipline. I could also label her a villain but that would definitely make me the disrespectful niece so I will refrain from that. She once told me she could help me find a job at her company, that my papers did not matter and that she would secure me ‘a good place’ but in return I had to share my salary 50/50 with her, always fuel her car and be available to babysit her three kids during the weekends. So much for a blood relation.

It is a battle but I am going to win it somehow. At this point I am dealing with what every woman my age must be going through; temptations, failures, confusion, crises, insecurities, torments, assaults, name it. It does not help the situation when a lecherous man twice or worse, thrice your age stops his Lexus SUV, ogles at you and asks if he could give you a ride. Treading through your mind, you know you only got two hundred shillings and a water bottle with half-filled tap water in your sun-beaten, worn out leather back pack that you have had since college. The rumbles in your gut betray every single ‘no-thank-you-am-ok’ that you keep reiterating every single time someone lends a hand because you trust no one, not even your own self. You then figure the make-up kit you possess and how it is losing its meaning each day, your hair is a mess, but thank God you have ways of hiding the mess, and you have not gotten yourself anything new for the past you-don’t-remember-when. You convince yourself that money is all you need at the moment and that the lack of it is making you miserable yet you see a capability of it coming your way in plenty if only you say yes and hop in, but then you rethink and decide that you are a respectable daughter and you cannot let yourself or your momma down by getting into this expensive luxurious car for a disgraceful exchange, she raised you better plus, who knows how it might end? 


I can swear that I will not back out nor break down in this struggle but I sincerely cannot tell how long that might last or if I will be able to keep up with it for the longest time. I got a thirst too and my pledges can sometimes come out with a weakness and with a shaking in the voice. These hard times, I dearly hope, will not change my mind or get me settling for less for I have come a long way already and I cannot bear the thought of trashing all my hard work or exposing my candle to the wind. My ears are slowly getting exhausted from hearing ‘we will call you’ and I am slowly getting tired of ‘faking’ politeness at the end of every application letter. Sometimes I even wonder if this is what I attained my papers for; seeking employment as work! I am not whining nor complaining, far from it but I am deeply pissed at this point and I just cannot wait to lift myself out of this situation, once and for all.

This is not what I pictured when my mum was fitting the mortar board on my head. I never imagined I would hustle day and night when she held my gown together with a pin and fixed the creases. When she told me how proud she was of me for making it as a graduate, I never knew I would sit on the couch, months later, munching popcorns, stuffing myself with ice cream and chocolates and solving crossword puzzles for the better part of the day. I thought my life was all sorted and that the struggles were beginning to end, silly me to think in that direction.

With all these going on, I think it is a wise move sometimes to just sit, relax and make believe. Good heavens. Fairy tales could come in handy at such times. Let no one tell me that fantasies are not healthy, kindly, I am just trying to put my pieces together and imagination calms me down. How could adulthood be this cruel when childhood was so sweet, easy and lovely? No wonder I always feel at peace whenever I listen to the songs I used to listen to when I was a child and the world was young and welcoming. When all I knew was love, hope, healing and purity. The other thing that connects me to those times are the dreams I get when my eyes are closed and so every chance I get I travel back to those times through a deep sleep or a nap in the middle of day and I never find harm from that so before you judge me, just let me nap in peace, dear Miss/ Mr. life coach. And now that my sleep feels strange and less comfortable unlike before, I guess I have no other choice but to live in the present and focus ahead. Eyes on the prize I can say.

Everything will be alright soon, so with patience and determination, I will forge ahead and finally hold a hand over my chest and heave a sign of relief!