SHE
To the times that saw us write on the graves of our beloved,
The moments we could not stop mourning and sobbing,
And to the moments when we got absorbed in pain and knew not comfort,
We are glad for the new beginnings and thankful to the Heavens for granting us second chances to be able to love again.
"You cannot blame death forever. It is time you accepted fate and realized that you two were not destined to be together. Let it go, maybe then you will start breathing again. Allow yourself to live.”
Judging from the words he spoke, she knew quite well that he did not understand a single thread of what she was going through on the inside. How insensitive could one be? Only eight months had gone and he was already asking her to forget and ‘allow herself to live!’ No amount of time is enough for someone to forget a lost loved one so why would he even ask her to let go!? He surely did not have knowledge of what true love is like. He probably had never felt love before, the more reason why she was convinced that he was not the right person to talk to at that moment but then again what choice did she have when he was the only friend she could approach? He had for so long wanted to own her, not only her but also her feelings and her entire being. He did not let himself sink into the thought that what he was thinking would be is not what she was used to before but then he still hoped that one day she would understand where he was coming from.
He could be there as a friend, but not as a lover. That was her only motive, friendship, platonic and pure. She could lean on him and wet his shoulders with tears but no, she could not just bring herself to love him the way she had loved her first love. He persuaded, soothed and tried every means to convince her, he really did but she was too much attached to her loss and she justified every bit of that attachment, she never even noticed the moves. She saw in him a pillar, the only close friend she could seek refuge from. He for so long had wanted to be her safe haven but every time he tried, his efforts were always limited by her. She judged him, a lot! But still she kept running back to him for comfort and he always obliged.
“I’m having dreams of us and this time, I swear they are more vivid, kinda like we are together again in a different world and it is more peaceful, more serene and more beautiful. Jasper, I wanna be with her again, I truly long to be with her again,”
“She is dead Cara! Long gone! What will it take to make you focus on what is ahead of you!? She is a past you should forget, there is no future for you two, and there never was. You do not even realize that I have always been here for you all this time? I want you Cara. I want you to love me, we can make it happen. Let’s create a family together, which is a treasure she couldn’t give to you. We could bring up babies together and live happily…”
“Stop it! Shut up!”
“Please don’t shut me down, it was never an appropriate union after all…”
“I don’t expect you to understand but she meant the world to me Jasper, she was my pillar, my wings to fly. I felt alive with her and I cannot give to somebody else what I had for her.”
“You could only if you opened your heart and love me just as you did her. I am a man, masculine enough with everything so massive, why wouldn’t you see that at least!?”
The fire in her eyes became more alive when Jasper mentioned that she wanted her to love him the very same way she had loved her. That was one very bitter pill and she could not stomach any more. She had felt alive with her, she made her levitate in romance but Jasper was more like an indistinct chatter she could not relate to. He did not realize the pain she went through each and every day ever since those deadly waves swallowed the only person that had ever loved her entirely. The pain her alone felt and endured. No one else was there to feel the pain that was now embedded to her heart.
Jasper did not tread on the paths she had trodden and felt tears welling in his eyes. He did not feel the scent in her clothes and get nostalgic when he sniffed them. He did not drink from the mug she had sipped her favorite hot tea from neither did he see images of her in the kitchen making their favorite chicken dish and dipping steaks into the barbeque sauce. He did not have to look at her pictures and long for her embrace, he did not peruse the pages of her favorite books and magazines and he did not even long to hear her voice every morning. She is the one who went through all these and her suffering was a solo ride that everyone else refused to embark on.
She had felt so alone and family was like some entity of illusion that she had long forgotten the existence. Being with an only sister and a niece she had been warned to stay away from lest she transmitted to her the waves of evil was the closest she had had for a family. Rosie had always been apt with morals and she could not take in the fact that her only sister had fallen for the devil’s trap, as she used to call it. She was against that union of utter immorality right from the start.
“…So sis, who is he?”
“I know this will take you by surprise but it’s not a he, it’s a she.”
Cara’s voice shook and her words broke when she mentioned her spouse to her sister for the first time. She did not know how she would react to it and that ate her up every time she pronounced the words of that statement.
“How long has it been going on?” Rosie seemed rather pissed and impatient.
“Six months now.”
“And you’re telling me just now? Mum and dad would definitely be ashamed of you had they been alive! You could not even consider your Christianity Cara?"
“I did consider that, I have been praying to God to give me a sign and direct me from it if it is as evil as you put it but every time I do I just keep falling deeper and deeper in love.”
“Oh! Maybe you still cannot see it but God already gave you a sign. You just lost the only family you had Cara, that’s the sign. Perhaps now you can consider falling out of that curse you call love.”
Rosie’s bitterness flared up and she could not stand her sister’s presence anymore.
“And kindly stay away from my daughter unless you reform, I do not want to deal with your waves of evil when you transfer them over to her.”
“Am sorry I’m different sis and I hope you forgive me for that but I do not think I will ever love in the same manner that you do.”
So now Cara was certain she was totally alone. Her beloved was no more, the only friend she had was on the lookout for something she could not approve of and she could not turn to her sister for comfort, not even after the invitation she had received to her daughter’s seventh birthday. With no love, no affection and no relations to share in her sorrows, she decided she was going to meet her on the other side and so she left for the lake in which its waters her body had been rendered lifeless. She stood there by the shores of the lake, stretching her view to the still waters and reminiscing the moments they shared and the love they had but her thoughts were disrupted by a soft voice that woke her back to reality.
“Hey lady, could I interest you in an early morning boat ride south of the Lake? You could bring with you a bunch of apples because the breathtaking view down there is highly likely to awaken your taste buds, (extending his hand to her) Captain Toby McKenzie at your service.”
The dazzle on his face was angelic and she felt a sudden conviction that this was Becka Ruth in a different body and even though his name did not sound utterly ridiculous as Becka’s, he had the charm and the glam. A feeling that somehow they could embark on a forever journey was already stirring in her head and the comfort she had been looking for all this time had instantly been reached. Becka must have sent him or maybe it was her in second life. This was going to end up beautiful, she thought.
“Aye aye captain, let’s roll.”
Toby’s approach changed everything and Cara’s life felt whole again in a matter of minutes. She even began to see things more vividly and her sister’s invitation to her daughter’s birthday was now a reason for her to celebrate. Three years had been a long time without hearing a word from Rosie and she dearly hoped that letter was a sign of acceptance from her sister but then she would not know until she introduced Toby to her. Everything would be alright, she convinced herself, and after all, this is what Rosie had always wanted; for her to be with a man.
The moments we could not stop mourning and sobbing,
And to the moments when we got absorbed in pain and knew not comfort,
We are glad for the new beginnings and thankful to the Heavens for granting us second chances to be able to love again.
"You cannot blame death forever. It is time you accepted fate and realized that you two were not destined to be together. Let it go, maybe then you will start breathing again. Allow yourself to live.”
Judging from the words he spoke, she knew quite well that he did not understand a single thread of what she was going through on the inside. How insensitive could one be? Only eight months had gone and he was already asking her to forget and ‘allow herself to live!’ No amount of time is enough for someone to forget a lost loved one so why would he even ask her to let go!? He surely did not have knowledge of what true love is like. He probably had never felt love before, the more reason why she was convinced that he was not the right person to talk to at that moment but then again what choice did she have when he was the only friend she could approach? He had for so long wanted to own her, not only her but also her feelings and her entire being. He did not let himself sink into the thought that what he was thinking would be is not what she was used to before but then he still hoped that one day she would understand where he was coming from.
He could be there as a friend, but not as a lover. That was her only motive, friendship, platonic and pure. She could lean on him and wet his shoulders with tears but no, she could not just bring herself to love him the way she had loved her first love. He persuaded, soothed and tried every means to convince her, he really did but she was too much attached to her loss and she justified every bit of that attachment, she never even noticed the moves. She saw in him a pillar, the only close friend she could seek refuge from. He for so long had wanted to be her safe haven but every time he tried, his efforts were always limited by her. She judged him, a lot! But still she kept running back to him for comfort and he always obliged.
“I’m having dreams of us and this time, I swear they are more vivid, kinda like we are together again in a different world and it is more peaceful, more serene and more beautiful. Jasper, I wanna be with her again, I truly long to be with her again,”
“She is dead Cara! Long gone! What will it take to make you focus on what is ahead of you!? She is a past you should forget, there is no future for you two, and there never was. You do not even realize that I have always been here for you all this time? I want you Cara. I want you to love me, we can make it happen. Let’s create a family together, which is a treasure she couldn’t give to you. We could bring up babies together and live happily…”
“Stop it! Shut up!”
“Please don’t shut me down, it was never an appropriate union after all…”
“I don’t expect you to understand but she meant the world to me Jasper, she was my pillar, my wings to fly. I felt alive with her and I cannot give to somebody else what I had for her.”
“You could only if you opened your heart and love me just as you did her. I am a man, masculine enough with everything so massive, why wouldn’t you see that at least!?”
The fire in her eyes became more alive when Jasper mentioned that she wanted her to love him the very same way she had loved her. That was one very bitter pill and she could not stomach any more. She had felt alive with her, she made her levitate in romance but Jasper was more like an indistinct chatter she could not relate to. He did not realize the pain she went through each and every day ever since those deadly waves swallowed the only person that had ever loved her entirely. The pain her alone felt and endured. No one else was there to feel the pain that was now embedded to her heart.
Jasper did not tread on the paths she had trodden and felt tears welling in his eyes. He did not feel the scent in her clothes and get nostalgic when he sniffed them. He did not drink from the mug she had sipped her favorite hot tea from neither did he see images of her in the kitchen making their favorite chicken dish and dipping steaks into the barbeque sauce. He did not have to look at her pictures and long for her embrace, he did not peruse the pages of her favorite books and magazines and he did not even long to hear her voice every morning. She is the one who went through all these and her suffering was a solo ride that everyone else refused to embark on.
She had felt so alone and family was like some entity of illusion that she had long forgotten the existence. Being with an only sister and a niece she had been warned to stay away from lest she transmitted to her the waves of evil was the closest she had had for a family. Rosie had always been apt with morals and she could not take in the fact that her only sister had fallen for the devil’s trap, as she used to call it. She was against that union of utter immorality right from the start.
“…So sis, who is he?”
“I know this will take you by surprise but it’s not a he, it’s a she.”
Cara’s voice shook and her words broke when she mentioned her spouse to her sister for the first time. She did not know how she would react to it and that ate her up every time she pronounced the words of that statement.
“How long has it been going on?” Rosie seemed rather pissed and impatient.
“Six months now.”
“And you’re telling me just now? Mum and dad would definitely be ashamed of you had they been alive! You could not even consider your Christianity Cara?"
“I did consider that, I have been praying to God to give me a sign and direct me from it if it is as evil as you put it but every time I do I just keep falling deeper and deeper in love.”
“Oh! Maybe you still cannot see it but God already gave you a sign. You just lost the only family you had Cara, that’s the sign. Perhaps now you can consider falling out of that curse you call love.”
Rosie’s bitterness flared up and she could not stand her sister’s presence anymore.
“And kindly stay away from my daughter unless you reform, I do not want to deal with your waves of evil when you transfer them over to her.”
“Am sorry I’m different sis and I hope you forgive me for that but I do not think I will ever love in the same manner that you do.”
So now Cara was certain she was totally alone. Her beloved was no more, the only friend she had was on the lookout for something she could not approve of and she could not turn to her sister for comfort, not even after the invitation she had received to her daughter’s seventh birthday. With no love, no affection and no relations to share in her sorrows, she decided she was going to meet her on the other side and so she left for the lake in which its waters her body had been rendered lifeless. She stood there by the shores of the lake, stretching her view to the still waters and reminiscing the moments they shared and the love they had but her thoughts were disrupted by a soft voice that woke her back to reality.
“Hey lady, could I interest you in an early morning boat ride south of the Lake? You could bring with you a bunch of apples because the breathtaking view down there is highly likely to awaken your taste buds, (extending his hand to her) Captain Toby McKenzie at your service.”
The dazzle on his face was angelic and she felt a sudden conviction that this was Becka Ruth in a different body and even though his name did not sound utterly ridiculous as Becka’s, he had the charm and the glam. A feeling that somehow they could embark on a forever journey was already stirring in her head and the comfort she had been looking for all this time had instantly been reached. Becka must have sent him or maybe it was her in second life. This was going to end up beautiful, she thought.
“Aye aye captain, let’s roll.”
Toby’s approach changed everything and Cara’s life felt whole again in a matter of minutes. She even began to see things more vividly and her sister’s invitation to her daughter’s birthday was now a reason for her to celebrate. Three years had been a long time without hearing a word from Rosie and she dearly hoped that letter was a sign of acceptance from her sister but then she would not know until she introduced Toby to her. Everything would be alright, she convinced herself, and after all, this is what Rosie had always wanted; for her to be with a man.
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